Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?

9 years 7 months ago #35 by almitywife
almitywife created the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
NICKNAMESIf Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.MONEYA man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
The following user(s) said Thank You: pez

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9 years 7 months ago #27083 by Barracuda
Barracuda replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
quote:

Originally posted by almitywife


ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.




Rule number 1: The woman is always right


Rule number 2: When the woman is wrong refer to rule number 1

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9 years 7 months ago #27084 by mikism
mikism replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
quote:

Originally posted by almitywife

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.





I invariably get the last word at home and it is invariably 'sorry'

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9 years 7 months ago #27085 by almity1
almity1 replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
quote:

Originally posted by mikism

quote:

Originally posted by almitywife


ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.





I invariably get the last word at home and it is invariably 'sorry'




I do not think so...

Its 'sorry'

followed by 'AND so you should be'

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9 years 7 months ago #27086 by Link
Link replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
In the words of the great Norm Peterson:

"Women - can't live with them... pass the beer nuts".

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9 years 7 months ago #27087 by charlie1112
charlie1112 replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !

1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you.
In fact,
they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own

6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:




'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN'
AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!!!

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9 years 7 months ago #27088 by charlie1112
charlie1112 replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
' DON'T !'

'Don 't what ? '
Adam replied.

'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.'
God said.

'Forbidden fruit ?
We have forbidden fruit ?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit ! '



' No Way ! '
'Yes way ! '

'Do NOT eat the fruit ! '
said God.




'Why ? '

'Because I am your Father and I said so ! '
God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants

A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked !
'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? '
God asked.





'Uh huh,'
Adam replied.

'Then why did you ? '
said the Father.

'I don't know,'
said Eve.
'She started it ! '
Adam said.

'Did not ! '
'Did too ! '
'DID NOT ! '

Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you ?

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9 years 7 months ago #27089 by The Menace
The Menace replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Deep in the jungle the monkey had invented two important eating tools !, the 1s't a pointed stick used like a knife to eat his bananas he called his one point tool .

The second he fashioned from four pointed sticks bound together with twine which he used like a fork and called it his four point tool .

Feeling very satisfied with his inventions he settled down for a goods nights sleep .

When he awoke in the morning he saw that his four point tool was missing !!!.

He immediately went out to try and find out who had taken his four point tool ! .

First of all he asked the Elephant " have you seen my four point tool" ? " the Elephant said no i have not seen your four point tool !.

Next he said to the Lion " have you seen my four point tool" ?.
The Lion said no i have not seen your four point tool ! .

He then met a Jaguar and said to him " have you seen my four point tool ?" the Jaguar yes i ate it !!!.

The Monkey was devastated " why did you eat my four point tool "
well said the Jaguar that's easy , I'm a four point tool eater Jaguar !.

Den

[:-}][:-}][:-}][:-}][:-}][:-}]

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9 years 7 months ago #27090 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Retirement From the Royal Navy.

The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement, a bonus of 1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of 72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with 96,000.

The third one was a grizzly, old, long-in-the-tooth CPO, who, when
asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my willy to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old boy insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed him to 'drop 'em,' which he did.The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of his willy and began to work back. 'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The old boy calmly replied 'The Falklands'.

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9 years 7 months ago #27091 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.

The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the man and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you had a drink of whiskey?
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some REAL fun?"
And the man cries out, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A diver was shipwrecked up onto a lonely and tropical shore. As he stood up he noticed his hands were purple, he looked at his feet and they were purple, worriedly he unzipped his wetsuit and his chest and stomach were purple. With his head in his hands he cried, "Oh my God!, Ive been marooned!"

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A dive boat runs into a terrible storm. Rain and wind and huge waves pound the boat. The divers are quiet but really scared. They are sure the boat is going to sink and they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, an almighty young woman named Lorraine jumps up and exclaims: "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and drown like an animal. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?" One of the Almighty dive masters named Theo stands up a tall, not so handsome, not so muscular man, he smiles and starts to walk up to her. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles already, she is glad for her decision. He stands in front of her, muscles bulging, shirt in hand and says to her: here Lorraine, Iron this!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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9 years 7 months ago #27092 by almity1
almity1 replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Barjumpa

[^-=-^][^-=-^][^-=-^][^-=-^][^-=-^][^-=-^][^-=-^]

I liked the first one.....

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9 years 7 months ago #27093 by Mel.B
Mel.B replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.


'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked the seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.


'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.


'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.


Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'


The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'I s this your husband?' the Lord asked.


'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.


Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.



The moral of this story is:



Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

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9 years 7 months ago #27094 by charlie1112
charlie1112 replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Involuntary Muscular Contractions

A Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students..

Realising that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your **** hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably Diving or drinking beer with his mates.'

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9 years 7 months ago #27095 by anakha
anakha replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP ( miss-match )


A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration, and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says,

'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?

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9 years 7 months ago #27096 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
quote:

Originally posted by anakha

LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP ( miss-match )

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says,

'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?





That brings back wonderful memories....[^|^] I clearly heard the offender cry out in a loud voice
"You Can't Hit me".."Ouch"[B)]

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9 years 7 months ago #27097 by badass
badass replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
:)

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9 years 6 months ago #27098 by JDW
JDW replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

To My Dear Wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband. I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference:

18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18."

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.


JD

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9 years 6 months ago #27099 by jdz
jdz replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Ok... I'll bite...

The wife & I have the secret to making a marriage last:
Two times a week, we go out to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Sydney and mine is in Melbourne.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
We always hold hands. If I let go she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster and an electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
Remember .. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" ..I said, "Dust!"
Why do Men die before their wives? 'Cause they want to.
In the beginning God created the Earth and then rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

cheers, JDZ

:)

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9 years 6 months ago #27100 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Well it's not Friday but it is still raining!
Subject: Don't Retire In Alaska...



Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.



Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00.'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'

As Lars is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you......be some drinkin''...

'Not a problem' saysTom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em.'

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too'...

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too'...

'Now that's really not a problem,' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter .... Just gonna be the two of us'...

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9 years 6 months ago #27101 by RM
RM replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
When my wife and I got married we decided that the best way to keep the relationship working well was division of labour.

So we decided that I would take care of all the big things and she would look after all the little ones.

So now I deal with things like Global Warming, World Peace, Poverty and so on.

She decides where I'm going to work, where we will live, what clothes I will wear...

On their wedding night the guy took his pants off and gave them to his new bride saying "Put these on".

She pulled them up and they were way too big. She said "I can't wear your pants".

Hubby said "That's right! I wear the pants in this family"

"Ok" she said and gave him her knickers. "Put these on".

He tried but they only went as far as his knees. "I can't get into your pants" he said.

"That's right! And thats the way it will stay until you learn your lesson!"


edits... my spelling is terrible

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9 years 6 months ago #27102 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Three instructors and their students are on board a dive boat in the middle of the ocean. There is a NAUI instructor, a PADI instructor, and an SSI instructor. Everything is going fine until the boat springs a leak and starts to sink.
The SSI instructor says to his students, "Okay, we're in the middle of the ocean, so we might as well do our deep dive."
The NAUI instructor says to his students, "Okay, we might as well do our navigation dive, so let's get our compasses out and swim towards shore."
The PADI instructor says to his students, "Okay, for $25 extra you guys get to do a wreck dive!"

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9 years 6 months ago #27103 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Three instructors and their students are on board a dive boat in the middle of the ocean. There is a NAUI instructor, a PADI instructor, and an SSI instructor. Everything is going fine until the boat springs a leak and starts to sink.
The SSI instructor says to his students, "Okay, we're in the middle of the ocean, so we might as well do our deep dive."
The NAUI instructor says to his students, "Okay, we might as well do our navigation dive, so let's get our compasses out and swim towards shore."
The PADI instructor says to his students, "Okay, for $25 extra you guys get to do a wreck dive!"

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9 years 6 months ago #27104 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
When I got certified, the instructor always stressed that you never go diving alone. If you run out of air, your buddy can help you. If you have equipment problems, your buddy can help you. If you meet a shark that is intent on eating you, your odds are 50-50 instead of 100%"

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9 years 6 months ago #27105 by Gudge
Gudge replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.


Karl said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.'
'What's the moral of the story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
'Very good,' said the teacher.


Next little Emilie raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks
and the moral to this story is:
'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'
'That was a fine story Emilie'.


Mick, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Raylene.
Aunty Raylene was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killedthe last ten with her bare hands.'
'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?'
'Stay the f**k away from Aunty Raylene when she's been on the piss.'

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9 years 6 months ago #27106 by Bunyip
Bunyip replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Nice one Gudge. I think my Anzac day mates will like it. [:o)]

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9 years 6 months ago #27107 by Adam H
Adam H replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
The divers dictionary...

* MASK- Storage container for sea water samples until you reach the surface.

* FINS- Torture device invented during the Spanish Inquisition.

* SNORKEL- Breathing tube used to suck in seawater and insects while on the surface.

* WET SUIT- Exactly what a diver does when the cold and caffeine kick in.

* DRY SUIT- Glorified inner tire tube and just about as comfortable.

* NARCOSIS- Does that cost extra?

* 2nd Stage- Not a theater term.

* SPARE AIR- The air left in your buddies' tank.

* BOAT DIVING- A complex task because boats usually don't dive.

* WRECK DIVER- What you become after running out of air at 40m.

* EMBOLISM- A BAD THING!

* OCTOPUS Eight legged sea creature which attaches to your face at inopportune moments.

* B.C.- The extra flotation you gain after many holiday meals.

* SHARK- Bottom feeding, cannibalistic, spineless, invertebrate (sure it's redundant), often found in courtrooms, newsrooms, and car lots.

* GIANT STRIDE- An acrobatic maneuver so called because of the 15 foot drop to the water which occurs when the boat rolls to port while you are exiting the starboard side.

* BUDDY BREATHING- An often impossible task because your buddy has long ago left your side in search of the bikini clad, web-footed, neoprene fish.

* BUDDY DIVING- "Same day, same ocean- we must be buddies."

* PLAN YOUR DIVE / DIVE YOUR PLAN.- It's like a diving safety mantra only different.

* FREE ASCENT Finding a way to go up without paying for it.

* 1/3 RULE When going away for the weekend, 1/3rd of your money should be spent on travel, 1/3 on accommodation, and 1/3 on beer.

* DIVE TABLES Discarded Furniture normally found at the bottom of sinkholes.

* TECHNICAL DIVING- Diving with a computer.

* MAX DEPTH The maximum depth your computer is allowed to go to.

* DIVE COMPUTER- A $700 addition to your weight belt.

* V.I.P.- "Someone who finds it Virtually Impossible to Pee inside their wetsuit."

* V.I.P. Something your buddy turns into when you run out of air.

* NITROX A gas put in your scuba tank that makes you go faster. (Similar to nitros in a car)

* BOTTOM TIME- Time spent sitting on the narrow, uncomfortable bench on the way to the dive site.

* PURGE- The button you push to get rid of the chili-dog you belched into the regulator.

* TUB DIVER- Specialist in off season, shallow, freshwater dives.

* FLOOD- What your sinuses do to your mask.

* BUOYANCY CONTROL- The art of not catering the bottom or rocketing past mean sea level.

* DIVE LIGHT- A waterproof carrying case for dead batteries.

* GEAR BAG- Storage device for sand, shells, old sandwiches, mildewed T-shirts, and stowaway sea critters.

* DIVE KNIFE- An underwater magnet for rust that in an emergency won't cut through hot butter. A weapon that scuba training agencies class as Not a weapon.

* THE SECRET OF DIVING- Inhale, exhale, repeat as necessary. "

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9 years 6 months ago #27108 by Bunyip
Bunyip replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
* BOAT DIVING- A complex task because boats usually don't dive.

Yes, the hard part is trying to persuade the boat to return to the surface. Getting it on the bottom is fairly easy. [:o)]

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9 years 6 months ago #27109 by Sas
Sas replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Haha gold Adam. :D

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9 years 6 months ago #27110 by Shadowkiller
Shadowkiller replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Once upon a time an evil witch cast a spell over a kingdom, causing its crops to fail.

The King called together his knights and charged the bravest, Sir SK, to find and destroy the witch.

For many years the knight searched until he found the witch.

But when he finally found her, she turned into a beautiful woman (kinda like Krystal Forscutt before the boob job). And the brave knight fell in love with her and couldn't finish the job (like a lot of guys when they see Krystal's current boobs up close).

And the witch said to the knight: "For sparing my life I will marry you and lift the curse."

"oooohhhh-k" said the knight, wondering what the catch was.

"But you will have a choice" said the witch. "Either I will be a beautiful young woman during the day, so your friends can see us together, and a horrible old witch during the night, OR I will be a witch during the day, and a beautiful woman at night when we make love. It's your choice"

"Just do whatever you want" said the knight, now convinced he was stuffed.

The young woman smiled. "Because you have given me the choice of what to do, I will a beautiful woman ALL the time".

And they lived happily ever after.

Moral of the story: If you give a woman the choice to do what she wants, she will do the right thing by her man.






THE REAL MORAL OF THE STORY:

Whether young and beautiful, or old and ugly, a woman is still a witch.

[}:)] :D

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9 years 6 months ago #27111 by Shadowkiller
Shadowkiller replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
And one from tonights pub session:

What is the difference between a poodle and a rottweiler?

When a rotty humps your leg, you let it finish.



SK Jokes, lowering the tone since 1989....

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