Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?

4 years 1 month ago #28620 by Sharky
Sharky replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A Kiwi Muslim was caught having sex with a sheep today.

He said it was islamb and he could do what he wanted with it.

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4 years 1 month ago #28621 by Sharky
Sharky replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A blonde takes her Rottweiler to the vet.

'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '

'No, because he's really heavy'

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4 years 1 month ago #28622 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.


'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior ...
'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.
'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and
a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile. 'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
Oh Christ....'You missed the fuc ing' putt, didn't you?

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4 years 4 weeks ago #28623 by Sharky
Sharky replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the s#!t inside!"

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4 years 3 weeks ago #28624 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Jokes about German Sausage are the Wurst.....

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4 years 3 weeks ago #28625 by jdz
jdz replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
For those of you who are old enough to remember, enjoy.
For the rest - it's a history lesson!!
Very surprising how time and memory has taken its toll.
Have things really changed this much in our time?
EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES

Pasta had not been invented.

Curry was a surname.

A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.

Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.

All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.

A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.

Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.

A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

Only Heinz made beans.

Fish didn't have fingers in those days.

Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.

None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.

Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.

Indian restaurants were only found in India.
Cooking outside was called camping.

Seaweed was not a recognised food.

"Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.

Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.

Prunes were medicinal.

Surprisingly muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.

Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.

Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.

The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties .. Elbows

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4 years 1 week ago #28628 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.
"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
She'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband.
As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her 150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they neared the hookers corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she
watched the pair pass.
Then, the hooker yelled:
"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!"

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4 years 1 week ago #28629 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A man was dining Alone in a fancy Restaurant and
There was a Gorgeous redhead Sitting at the next
Table. He had been Checking Her out since he sat
Down, but lacked The nerve to talk
With her.

Suddenly she Sneezed, and her Glass eye came
Flying out of its Socket towards the Man. He reflexively
Reached out, Grabbed it out of The air, and handed
It back.

'Oh my, I am so Sorry,' the woman Said, as she popped
Her eye back in Place. 'Let me buy
Your dinner to make It up to you.' They enjoyed a Wonderful dinner Together, and Afterwards they Went to the theatre Followed by drinks. They talked, they Laughed, she shared Her deepest dreams And he shared his. She listened to him With interest. After paying for Everything, she Asked him if he Would like to come To her place for a Nightcap and stay For breakfast. They Had a wonderful, Wonderful time. The next morning, She cooked a Gourmet meal with All the trimmings. The guy was Amazed. Everything Had been so Incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect Woman. Are you This nice to every Guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. ......




She said ....... ........


'You just happened
To catch my eye...!

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4 years 1 week ago #28630 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
I was sitting with the computer the other day drafting my will and I called out to my wife,
"WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, LOVE!"



SHE SHOUTED BACK "YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY BASTARD!!

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4 years 4 days ago #28631 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammerer's Action Group.
She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered.
Finally, totally exasperated, she said;
"If any of you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering, I
will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water."
The Englishman immediately piped up; "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.
"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?"
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out;
"G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow". That's no better either, Hamish.
Now, how about you, Paddy?
The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to 5 and eventually blurted out; " London ".
Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 45 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said;
...
....
..
..
...
...."d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

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4 years 2 days ago #28638 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..'
So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, 'I' ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex God?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming in panic:
'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

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4 years 1 hour ago #28640 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from another passenger
that the Pope is going to be on the flight.

"WOW, great!" he thinks, being a devout Christian, "What a great place to be
today."

Just before the aircraft doors are closed, the Pope enters the plane, and to
the guy's delight, sits next to him. I am surely blessed the man thinks.

Here I am, a good Catholic on a flight, with the Pope sitting next to me.
The plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off their
seat belts. The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag
to take out a crossword book. Marvellous, he thinks, not only am I blessed
with the Pope next to me but he does crosswords and so do I.
He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that His
Holiness is tapping his pencil, thinking. After a little while of pencil
taping, the Pope turns to him and says, "I usually don't talk to anyone on
flights, but I wonder if you can help me?"

"Anything Your Holiness.. What is it?"

"Do you know a four letter word that ends in 'u-n-t' that means something
associated with women?"

The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The
only word I can think of is aunt."

The Pope looks at him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"

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3 years 11 months ago #28646 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "VIC BITTER" cheap at the local bottle shop.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home.

I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice,

"I'm a big believer in barter, handsome ~ would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ...

I thought for a few seconds and asked,

"What kind of beer 'ya got?"

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3 years 11 months ago #28647 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said,
"You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get f....d."[^x^][:banghead:][:stir:]

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3 years 11 months ago #28648 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A recent article in the Sydney Morning Herald reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St George Private hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology all we did was correct his eyesight."

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3 years 11 months ago #28649 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.
"Hello," she said, "Do you like movies?"

"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.

Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"

The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely, before returning to his reading.

Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like *****cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

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3 years 11 months ago #28655 by Sharky
Sharky replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.

One of the questions was:

"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"f#%king big ones" was apparently the wrong answer

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3 years 11 months ago #28662 by regrungy
regrungy replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
The replacement CO settled into the rythmn of his new command at the remote desert garrison. A competent and able officer, he soon had the fort running efficiently. Truth be told however, there was wasn't much that taxed his considerable administrative skills, the outpost was in a quiet sector and apart from the odd supply hiccup there was little to do apart from countersigning forms and practice drills.

One fine day he was doing the rounds and got chatting to the quartermaster. Coming straight to the point he asked what arrangements the men made if they desired female companionship.
"Well sir" replied the QM "The men usually take a camel" The CO was rather taken aback by this but feeling rather desirous, ordered the quartermaster to have the prettiest camel ready at 0700 that night.

Come the appointed hour, the CO entered the stables and there with the QM was a very pretty camel, surely the prettiest one in the land. Giddy with lust, the CO however was a gentleman and an officer and crooned soft nothings to his new love while stroking her gently down her back and between her ears. Unable to control himself he dragged a stool into position, clambered up and had his way.

Fully sated, he turned to the quartermaster who had witnessed the entire performance and feeling somewhat pleased with himself, declared that he would henceforth be issuing an order that from now on he would be taking this camel for himself.

"Bravo Sir" replied the QM, "But the men usually take a camel to the nearest village...."

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3 years 11 months ago #28663 by jdz
jdz replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom.

Lady 1: Where'd you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, the first lady hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms.

The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits a Camel."

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3 years 11 months ago #28673 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
"Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up. He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows its a law of nature That buttered toast always falls butter-down.

He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest. He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat. He wont say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see it with his own eyes. He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

Well, says the priest, its pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.

No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that..

Well, Fr Flannagan says, its certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But its not for me to say its a miracle. Ill report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc.

An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome. The final ruling is a negative, however. it reads:

"It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphys room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy having buttered the toast on the wrong side."

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3 years 11 months ago #28675 by Sharky
Sharky replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'

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3 years 10 months ago #28691 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" Without answering, the girl picks up the

phone and makes a call.



Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house.

A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem.



I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli , a condo in Miami , and a $1,000,000 bank account...



"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account."



"However, if there is a miscarriage , I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

At this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him,



'You'll make her pregnant her again! ".

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3 years 10 months ago #28692 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS


God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments
for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'

And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested.'


So God went to the Blacks and said,'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example.

The Lord said, 'Honour thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'



Then He went to the Mexicans and said,'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example,

The Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'



Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example

The Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'



Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'


There, that should upset just about everybody

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3 years 10 months ago #28702 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, Peter, Peter, something or other..."

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3 years 10 months ago #28703 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
My wife rings.
She tells me my dog, Slug, just took a dump in our living room.
I'm like, 'Take him to the Pound then.'
She goes, 'That's just like you, Peter. I have a genuine problem, and you're being sarcastic.'
'Alright, darling, I'm sorry. Put the dog on the phone. I'll talk to him.'

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3 years 10 months ago #28704 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
INVITATION
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle
to achieve an orgasm.
If you can't come, let me know..

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3 years 10 months ago #28705 by spiro
spiro replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
quote:

Originally posted by Barjumpa

INVITATION
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle
to achieve an orgasm.
If you can't come, let me know..




It's limited parking, so those who arrive early won't be disappointed, those who arrive late will simply miss out.

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3 years 10 months ago #28706 by Sharky
Sharky replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
The Husband Store:

A new store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, however you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs...

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Like Children...

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Good Jobs, Love Children, and are Extremely Good Looking...

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Very Good Jobs, Love Children, are Extremely Good Looking and Help With Most Housework...

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Exceptional Jobs that pay them very well, they Love Children, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with all the Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak, and they are 100% Faithful.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 18,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Please Exit to the right to make room for more unreasonable shoppers.

(scroll down and keep reading!)

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. Similar instructions are posted at the entrance of this store as well.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have their own money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

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3 years 10 months ago #28723 by Sharky
Sharky replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Lesson 1:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 2:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: s#!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 3:

A little bird was flying South for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lessons:
1) Not everyone who drops s#!t on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of s#!t is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep s#!t, keep your mouth shut.

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3 years 10 months ago #28757 by Sharky
Sharky replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Irish text message

Paddy texts his wife...


Colleen, Im just having one more schooner with the boys.
If Im not back in 20 minutes, read this message again.

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