Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?

3 years 4 months ago #299730 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Heaven or Hell ?
A little old lady dies and goes to heaven.


She is chatting to St Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.


"Don't worry about that," says St Peter.
"It's just someone having the holes bored in their shoulder blades for the wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.


Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady.
"Now what's happening?"


"Not to worry," says St Peter.
"They are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."


"I can't do this," says the old lady.
"I'm off down to hell."


''You can't go there," says St Peter.
"You'll be raped and sodomised."


"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but at least I already have the holes for that!"

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3 years 4 months ago #299750 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to

refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

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3 years 4 months ago #299778 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated
him out of $10,000,000.00.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear
nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows
sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back,

"OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

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3 years 4 months ago #299803 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A young man graduated from University of New Zealand with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from NZ, he went back to the bush to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and proceeded to explain to him why he was there.

The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"

The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbour's sheep got lost. We formed a search party and found it. We all rooted it and took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"

After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbour's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big search party that time and found her. After we all rooted her, we took her back home too."

Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head, looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once"

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3 years 4 months ago #299805 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO MELBOURNE .

SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.'

SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER COIN IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 70KG, AND YOU ARE GOING TO MELBOURNE .'

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER COIN IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ:
'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 70KG, YOU ARE GOING TO MELBOURNE AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A VIOLIN.'

THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG - I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT BACK DOWN.

FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A MAN CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS VIOLIN CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM.
WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE MAN'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE VIOLIN, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.

SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, 'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'

BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER COIN, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 70KG , YOU ARE GOING TO MELBOURNE AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.' NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG ,AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.
ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'
SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE,PUT IN ANOTHER COIN AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.

IT READ: 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 70KG, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO MELBOURNE

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3 years 4 months ago #299824 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
An old man and woman were married for many years .....

Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout: "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the funeral.

After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked: "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down, and I know he won't ask for directions."

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3 years 4 months ago #299825 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Where can I shop now...?

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this running amok security rubbish, I

did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I

should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors. Man, I hate this getting older stuff.

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3 years 4 months ago #299858 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the
congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a
rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding
salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how
much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how
much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his
chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many
gifts as He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said
in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too
much of it, we wear rubbers." The entire congregation said, "Amen."

GOTTA LOVE THOSE SENIOR CITIZENS !

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3 years 4 months ago #299861 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Jim was listening to the radio this morning when the host invited callers to reveal the nicknames they had for their wives.

The best call was from a brave chap who called his wife, "Harvey Norman".

The host asked him why that name?

He replied, "Absolutely no interest for 36 months."

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3 years 3 months ago #299888 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"



Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."



Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."



So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"





"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!


Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"



Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"



To which Ma replies, "Hurts don't it?!"

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3 years 3 months ago #299889 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we Catholic’s have a wonderful sense of humour!

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.”


Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late

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3 years 3 months ago #299890 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Raisin Bread



A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear
very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant
and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has
a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin
bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an
excellent view, just as he thought.



When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the
other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why
the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men
standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the
crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the
elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."

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3 years 3 months ago #299891 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.
Theirs will be first on the schedule.
The older boy leans over and asks,
"What are you having done?"

The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out and I'm afraid."

The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about.
I had that done when I was four.

They put you to sleep and when you wake up, they give
you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?"
The first boy says, "Circumcision."

"Whoa!" the smaller boy replies.
"Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.

Couldn't walk for a year."

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3 years 3 months ago #299920 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Positive Attitude

Late in the night he regained consciousness…
He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital’s ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.
She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your tits, then?"

THAT, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!

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3 years 3 months ago #299936 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A bloke is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.

He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.


The snail says ' What the hell was that all about !? '

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3 years 3 months ago - 3 years 3 months ago #299942 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Did you hear about the man who had 5 pen is's...?

His underpants fitted him like a glove..
Last Edit: 3 years 3 months ago by Barjumpa.

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3 years 3 months ago #299964 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground in agony.

The woman rushed to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help I'm a Physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain.

'Oh, no, I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered a tender and artful massage for several moments and asked,
'How does that feel' she asked?

"Feels great," he replied; "but I still think my thumb's broken!"

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3 years 3 months ago - 3 years 3 months ago #299989 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.

After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again.

No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy:

"What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my ar se.........It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
Last Edit: 3 years 3 months ago by Barjumpa.

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3 years 3 months ago #300024 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
THE IRISH CHRISTENING
The Lovely Gladys

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant.
Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replied: "You had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are fine.
"However, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately, so your brother Paddy came in and named them."

The woman thought to herself: "Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother. He's a clueless idiot."
Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor: "Well, what's my daughter's name?"

"Denise," said the doctor.

The new mother was somewhat relieved and thought to herself: "Wow, that's a really beautiful name.
"I guess I was wrong about my brother, I really like Denise."

Then she asked: "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replied: "Denephew."

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3 years 3 months ago #300040 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the Director started looking for a new one to hire..

He posted a sign at the entrance to the building...

EXPERIENCED WINE TASTER NEEDED -
POSITION STARTS IMMEDIATELY.

An old golf pro named “Snake”, wearing a ragged, dirty Callaway
jacket and smelling of last night's rounds, strolled by the building and saw
the sign. He went into the building to apply for the position.

The Director was aghast at “Snake’s”appearance.
He had known him in his heyday but now wondered how to send him away.
So, to appear to be fair, he gave “Snake” a glass of wine to taste.
The old golf pro held the glass up to his eye, tilted his head toward incoming sunlight and studied the
contents.
He then took a sip and said, "It's a South Australian Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured
in steel containers. Somewhat low-grade but acceptable."

"That's correct," said the wine boss.

Glancing at his assistant he said... "Another one, please."

The old golf pro took the goblet, full of a deep red liquid, stuck his nose
into the glass, sniffed deeply and took a long slow sip.... rolling his
eyeballs in a circle, he then looked at the director and said...
"It's a Cabernet Sauvignon - eight years old; Pokolbin; I’d say a north-western slope, oak barrels,
matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results."

"Absolutely correct. A third glass." said the director.

Receiving another glass, again, the derelict eyed the crystal, took in
a little bit of the aroma and sipped very softly ....
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, very high grade and exclusive,'' said “Snake” calmly.

The director was astonished and winked at his assistant to suggest
something. She left the room and came back in with a wine glass half-full of urine

The old golf pro eyed it suspiciously.... a colour he could not quite recall.
He took a sip, swishing it over his tongue and across his teeth,
spat it out, and musing looked upward for a while ....

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the
job, I'll name the father."

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3 years 3 months ago #300048 by jdz
jdz replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, under the Big Top, in the centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.
Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.
Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket.
Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

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3 years 3 months ago #300049 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A man
suffered a serious heart
attack while shopping in a store.


The
store clerk called 911 when
they saw him collapse to the floor.


The
paramedics rushed the man to
the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart
bypass
surgery.


He
awakened from the surgery to
find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.
A nun was seated
next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several
forms, and a pen.

She asked him how he was going to pay for his
treatment. "Do you have
health insurance?" she asked.


He
replied in a raspy voice, "No
health insurance."


The nun
asked, "Do you have money
in the bank?"


He
replied, "No money in the
bank."


Do you
have a relative who could
help you with the payments?" asked the irritated
nun.


He said,
"I only have a spinster
sister, and she is a nun."


The nun
became agitated and
announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to
God."


The
patient replied, "Perfect.
Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

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3 years 3 months ago #300050 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
One Monday morning Shane the postman was
Riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.

As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented.


David, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 oclock Sunday morning .....We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'

The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'

The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'


'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded, 'Your name came up 7 times..'

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3 years 3 months ago #300055 by Sharky
Sharky replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
i've accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles.
my next s#!t could spell disaster.

*****************************

went out last night and got really wasted.
i woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring and farting … so, at least i got home ok

****************************

the wife's back on the warpath again.
she was up for making a home video last night and all i did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

****************************

angela merkel arrives at passport control in athens airport.
"nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"german," she replies.
"occupation?
"no, just here for a few days."

******************************

as the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic warden’s funeral, a voice from inside screams :
"i'm not dead, i'm not dead. let me out!"
the vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"too late, mate, the paperwork's already done"

******************************

i spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

******************************

after both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.
strangely enough, however, once she killed herself i started to feel a lot better.
so i thought - sod it, i'll soldier on.

******************************

i woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.
i got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitten floor, not breathing! i panicked. i didn't know what to do.
then i remembered – the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.

*******************************

a man is seeking to join the glasgow police force. the sergeant doing the interview says:
"your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
"take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six muslim extremists, and a rabbit"
the man being interviewed asks, "why the rabbit?"
"excellent" says the sergeant. "when can you start?"

*******************************

i came home one night and proudly announced to me dad that i had s e x for the first time.
he said "i hope you took precautions?"
"what do you mean?" i asked.
"did you wear a condom?"
“nah, but i kept me balaclava on.”

******************************

"jesus loves you."
nice to hear in church but not in a mexican prison.

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3 years 2 months ago #300084 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Fifty Shades of Grey*
by Pam Ayres

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...

In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Ethel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Ethel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator !!

Now if you knew our Ethel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!

Ethel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

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3 years 2 months ago #300109 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Once upon a time, a mum and dad balloon lived at home with their child balloon. One night the parents announce they are ready for bed, but the child balloon is OK to stay up a little while longer. They head off to bed, and an hour later, child balloon finishes his show, and goes to the bedroom.
As they are balloons and have no real sources of income, they live in a 1 bedroom apartment, and have to share a bed. The child balloon tries to get into bed, but mum balloon and dad balloon are just so big that he can't squeeze in. So, he goes to dad balloon, unties his knot and lets out a little air, and tries getting into bed again: Still not enough room. He then goes to mum balloon and unties her knot and lets a little air out: A little better, but still not enough. So, he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and is able to fit comfortably into bed.
The next morning, child balloon wakes up to find his parents are not there. He goes into the kitchen to find mum and dad balloon sitting at the table looking pretty angry.
Dad balloon says, 'Son, we are pretty upset about what you did last night. You let me down, you let your mother down, but worst of all, you let yourself down.'

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3 years 2 months ago #300117 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
The Sensitive Man


A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..




They get back to his place,




And as he shows her around his apartment.




She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.





There are three shelves in the bedroom,


With hundreds and hundreds of cute,




Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed


In rows, covering the entire wall!





It was obvious that he had taken
Quite some time to lovingly arrange them




And she was immediately touched







There were small bears all along
The bottom shelf,




Medium-sized bears covering the
Length of the middle shelf,





And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.




She found it strange for an
Obviously masculine guy





To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,




She is quite impressed by his
Sensitive side.



But doesn't mention this to him.



They share a bottle of wine and
Continue talking and,



After awhile, she finds herself
Thinking,




'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
Could be the one!





Maybe he could be the future
Father of my children?'




She turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips




He responds warmly




They continue to kiss, the passion builds,





And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom




Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.


She is so overwhelmed that she
Responds with more passion,



More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

They are lying there together in
The afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,

Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes,



And says:





*

*

*

*
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'

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3 years 2 months ago #300118 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.

HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.

THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK..
BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."

BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MUMMY... I JUST HAVEN'T DONE IT YET."

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"





BILLY SAYS:
"IT WORKS ON THE TOMATO SAUCE BOTTLE!"

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3 years 2 months ago #300139 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.
It was a fine spring day in his new parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the
beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was . . . a donkey lying
dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:


"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.
Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and
would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"


Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing
the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied,
"Well now Father, it was always my impression
that you people took care of the last rites!"


There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . .. . .. ...........


Father O'Malley then replied:
"Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

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3 years 2 months ago #300152 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
DO NOT WASH YOUR HAIR IN THE SHOWER!!
Finally! Some advice I can actually use!!
DO NOT wash your hair in the shower!!
It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!

IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT. (I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner)!!

I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

"FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."

No wonder I have been gaining weight!!

Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dishwashing Soap. It label reads,

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved! If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!!

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