Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?

3 years 2 months ago #300159 by jdz
jdz replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Hope I don't get strung up here...

I decided to have takeaway for lunch today, so i pulled into mcdonalds and was greeted by a young girl wearing a burqua.

It was dirty and tattered. Kind of put me off.

So i decided to go across the road to hungry jacks.

There i was greeted by a young woman wearing a burqua. Hers was clean and tidy and well kept.

Thats when i realised that

The burqua’s are better at hungry jacks

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3 years 1 month ago #300249 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Myrtle and Edna, two
"senior" widows, are talking.

Myrtle: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a
date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted
to talk with you about him before I give him my
answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my
apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman
in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there; a
limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out
for dinner; a marvellous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert,
and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell
you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died
from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment
and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off
my expensive new dress and has his way with me three
times!"

Myrtle: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I
shouldn't go?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old
dress."

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3 years 1 month ago #300253 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
DEFINITION OF THE WORD "COINCIDENCE".

A chicken farmer went to the local bar, sat down next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman said:
"How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne".


"What a coincidence" said the farmer, and added: "It is a special day for me...I'm celebrating".

"It is a special day for me too. I am also celebrating" said the woman.

"What a coincidence" said the farmer.

While they toasted, the man asked: "What are you celebrating"?

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today my gynaecologist told me that I was pregnant".

"What a coincidence" said the man.

"I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."

"This is awesome" said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

"I used a different rooster" the farmer said.

The woman smiled and said:

"What a coincidence!"

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3 years 1 month ago #300267 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Only the Irish have Jokes Like These.
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
********************************************************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


*****************************************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at theGuinnessbrewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat ofGuinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"


"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."


The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'


*********************************************************
ANDTHE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

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3 years 1 month ago #300273 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.

One day, in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."

He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

The man said, "I'm NOT happy........My balls itch."

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3 years 1 month ago #300282 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Everyone's a comedian nowadays.
Even the paramedic who was unable to resuscitate Whitney couldn't avoid a gag!
When he radioed dispatch he said
"It's Houston, we have a problem!"

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3 years 1 month ago #300296 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
During the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said,
"You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.


"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here the colonel interrupted,

"Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the Witch Doctor to f..k off."

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3 years 1 month ago #300301 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber’s chair, eating a muffin while her dad gets his haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replies, "I'm gonna get tits too"

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3 years 1 month ago #300326 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A retired couple was at home watching TV.

The man had the remote and was switching back and forth
between a fishing channel and a porn channel.

The woman became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel.
You know how to fish!"

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3 years 1 month ago #300333 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments..'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'


There. That, should piss off just about everybody.....

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3 years 3 weeks ago #300370 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning 'til night

she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was

when he was out ploughing with his old mule. He ploughed a lot.

One day, when he was out ploughing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.

He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.

Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag -

it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet,

caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.

When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute,

then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him,

he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him

why he nodded his head and agreed with the women,

but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked,

or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'
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3 years 3 weeks ago #300389 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
My wife had been after me for several weeks to revarnish the wooden seat on our toilet.

Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.

As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.

We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.

Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
The wife wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her

(Try to get a mental picture of this.)

The wife tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "

Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...... I just never saw one mounted and framed."
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3 years 2 weeks ago #300394 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
BURIAL PLANS
A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbours feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife said, " Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions.?

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3 years 2 weeks ago #300409 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
An elderly man had a massive stroke and the family drove him to the emergency hospital;

After a while the ER doctor appeared wearing a long face.

" I'm afraid Grandpa is brain dead, but he's still alive "


" Oh Dear God," cried his wife, " We've never had a Labor voter in the family before !".

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3 years 1 week ago #300421 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
50-50
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory everyday and learn the operation.”
The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.” “I see.” replied the father-in-law, “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.” “I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk.” “Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half owner of a money-making industry, but you don’t like factories, and won’t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?” “Easy,” said the son-in-law. “Buy me out.”

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3 years 1 week ago #300422 by Andy Del
Andy Del replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Old man Stetson was sitting on his front veranda rocking in his chair as he did every day. Along the road came young Billy, carry some chicken wire…
‘Where’s ya goin’ with that chicken wire, young Billy?’ asked old man Stetson.
‘Why, I’m going to get me a chicken dinner.’ Said Billy.
Old man Stetson chuckled, ‘Ya don’t git chicken dinner using chicken wire now, Billy.’
‘Yessir!’
said Billy, who was a polite lad, but he just ambled off carrying his chicken wire.
About an hour later, Stetson spied Billy walking back home, with a roll of chickens in his chicken wire! ‘I’ll be danged!’ thought the old timer, ‘that kids actually caught hisself some chicken!’

A few days later, old man Stetson saw billy, this time carrying a fat roll of duct tape. A similar conversation ensued, with Billy maintaining he was going to catch some ducks with his tape. Old man Stetson muttered as the young, but keen hunter strolled up the road, ‘That kid better start learnin’ some proper hunting techniques!’ But to no avail. A hour later, a rather damp Billy came back with a big bouncing ball of duct tape and ducks (yes, spelling wasn’t his strong suit). Old man Stetson just and shook his head in wonder…

Later that summer, Billy once again was walking past the Stetson house carrying a stick. Having made a bit of a name for himself as being able to catch his dinner with unusual tools, old man Stetson was onto him like a bee to honey!
‘Well now Billy me lad!’ he said, ‘what have you got planned to catch with that stick? You know you’ll never do it with just a thin little stick like that.’
Billy’s reply seemed to echo up and down the street.
‘Sorry Mr Stetson, this ain’t a stick, this here is a p u s s y willow.’
‘Wait, wait! I’ll get me stick!’ cried Mr Stetson…

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3 years 1 week ago #300432 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Working people frequently ask us retired people what

we do to make our days interesting.

Well, for example, just the other day my wife and

I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a parking meter

cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,

how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an a--hole . He glared at me and started

writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Bev called him a s--t head. He finished the

second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it

and went home. We weren't too concerned about the

vehicle's owner because of the sticker on the back window:

"I support the Rule over the Infidels by the Islamic State Muslims".

We try to have a little fun each day now

that we're retired. It's important at our age.

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3 years 1 week ago #300433 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get
back into the dating world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied,
"Mom I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,
he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain ...

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties
He in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied:
"My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
But down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same --
She stood there wearing the black lacy panties,
And he was in his birthday suit --
But now he was wearing a black condom...

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied,
"I want to offer my deepest condolences"

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3 years 1 week ago #300449 by jdz
jdz replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Senior Drivers No Longer need Driver’s License.

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up on his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."

"You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?"

"That's right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore'. So I thanked him and left!"

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3 years 5 days ago #300461 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A Day at the Races.

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a casino when he met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman.

They got on famously and ended up in bed.

The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.

In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs.

The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed $100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.

In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes.

He put the lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.

In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and scratching herself between her legs.

He backed nothing.

After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4.

'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked.

'It paid a fortune?'

'Shit', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the favorite was scratched!'

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3 years 5 days ago #300466 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Business Man in 1st Class, to a Sexy Gorgeous Air Hostess:

Business Man: What is your name ?
Hostess: Angela Benz, Sir!
Business Man: Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?
Hostess: Yes Sir.
Business Man: How?

Hostess: Same price!

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3 years 2 days ago #300484 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End.

On their way to Kakadu he was describing the amazing abilities of the Australian Aborigines to track man or beast over land, through the air and under the sea.

The Americans were incredulous.

Later in the day, as the group rounded a bend on the highway they discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine.


He had one ear pressed to the white line, whilst his left leg was held high in the air!

The bus stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine...

"Hey Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"

The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute... It's a red one… the left front tyre is bald...

The front end is out of whack, and him got bloody dents in every panel...

There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry.

There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 4 dogs on the front seat."

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge."God Lord man, how do you know all that?," asked one.

The Aborigine replied:... ‘I fell out of the fucken thing about half an hour ago!"

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3 years 1 day ago #300487 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
The Italian Lover

A virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome , when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.


After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear. "No, I Swedish.”

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3 years 4 hours ago #300492 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "good morning young man, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"




The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."




The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday...I'll show you how to get to Heaven."




The little boy replied with a chuckle. "You're bullsh*tting me, right?

.....You don't even know the way to the Post Office!”
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3 years 4 hours ago #300493 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow.

Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Anyway.... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.

"Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads" he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"

"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes: "Abracapokus! You're brown!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is brown! Except..... for his weenie, which was still yellow.

"Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!"

"Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."

So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods.

As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes, okay, it's a coincidence, but it's true).

"Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with a purple bear on account of the hunters.They can spot me from a mile off."

Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here" she says and with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple. "Hold up sweetheart!" he says to the fairy Godmother, "My goolies are still purple!"

"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."

"Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?"

"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off.............

"Just follow the yellow-prick toad!"

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2 years 11 months ago #300552 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Phil's scrotum

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise
for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his
scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors
didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they
imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move
caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate
operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed
remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as
they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of
the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover
completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively
asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.


He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want
to tell my wife the word is sternum."

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2 years 11 months ago #300553 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A []man wonders if having []sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a Priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the []Bible, the Priest says, 'My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that []sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays.'

The man thinks: 'What does a priest know about sex?' []So he goes to a Minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the Minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.

In other words, he goes to a []Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, 'My son, []sex is definitely play..'

The man replies, 'Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?'

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If []sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it".

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2 years 11 months ago #300558 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone

"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

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2 years 11 months ago #300579 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Two guys in their mid-twenties sitting at a bar having a beer.

One of the guys says to his buddy,"Man you look tired."

His buddy says,"Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time,

three times a night every night. I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about 65, sitting a couple of stools down overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,

"Marry her! That'll put a stop to that sh!t"

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2 years 11 months ago #300585 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
The Greek LEGAL SYSTEM!!



A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece ; but the custody of their children posed a problem.



The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge, that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.



The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.



After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:

"Your Honour, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"



DON'T LAUGH...... HE WON!!

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