Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?

2 years 9 months ago #300904 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
JEWISH COMEDIANS:

Some of you may not remember the old-time Jewish comedians: Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman and others. But some of us miss their kind of humour. Not a single swear word in their routines and you don't have to be Jewish to enjoy their jokes.

*A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic asks, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

*I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

*I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!

*Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife.

*We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

*My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.

*My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

*My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

*The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

*The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"

*Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I AM 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

*A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?"
The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

*Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"

*A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

*Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.

*Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.

*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason is Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.

*Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

*Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."

*Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

*A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son asked, "Why are you so weak?"
She replied, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said,"That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."

*A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.

*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

*Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

*Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

*A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says, "What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue one?"

*Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

*Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

*Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything less than 20% off.

C’mon smile... or at least give us a grin. The world might seem a bit bleak right now but you should really try hard to sneak in an occasional smile.... Five per day should be your minimum target !

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2 years 9 months ago #300941 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
After too many visits to the "house of horizontal pleasures" a young man notices green lumps on his willy so goes to the doctor. "Well" said the doc...."you know wrestlers and rugby players get cauliflower ears"? "Yes" said the young man. "Well"said the doc..........."you've got brothel sprouts "

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2 years 8 months ago #301015 by Sharky
Sharky replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Proof That The World Is Nuts!

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Glad I don't live in Indonesia!)
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute: Is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Condoms may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what?)
Well... Not as great as Guam!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The Ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ???)
(Did our Government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An Ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their ass.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Thank you all for reading this.
If you need to reach me in the future, I will be In Guam!
***
The following user(s) said Thank You: AB

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2 years 8 months ago - 2 years 8 months ago #301039 by Chewie525
Chewie525 replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and
drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo,
so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied , without missing a beat,

'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. Tray-up, B**ch' :lol:
Last Edit: 2 years 8 months ago by Chewie525.
The following user(s) said Thank You: RodH

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2 years 7 months ago #301265 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a phone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.


"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a GPS?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? Its right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"

"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?"

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2 years 6 months ago #301328 by jdz
jdz replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

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2 years 6 months ago #301332 by Sharky
Sharky replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this.?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is it that I make $ 50,000 a year and you make $ 500,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work.?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.... "Try doing it with the f#%king engine running!..

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2 years 5 months ago #301497 by Sharky
Sharky replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A POSITIVE ATTITUDE

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.
She looked at me deep & steady and I heard her slowly say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'

I managed to mumble in reply,

'Can I feel your tits, then?

NOW "THAT'S" A POSITIVE ATTITUDE

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2 years 2 months ago #301703 by Rling
Rling replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
“I want to say that we have made a good start, that the adults are back in charge and that strong, stable, methodical and purposeful government is once more the rule in our national capital.'' -- Tony Abbott, 9 November 2013

Brought to you by Barjumpa's LNP Cheer Squad (previously Barjumpa's Rainy Friday Funnies).

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2 years 2 months ago #301704 by AB
AB replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Or this unfortunate but prophetic photo!

Alan
The following user(s) said Thank You: saijef

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2 years 4 weeks ago #301772 by jdz
jdz replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

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1 year 10 months ago #301983 by saijef
saijef replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Stumbled upon here. Don't dare post some of them. Go look, giggle and cringe. :)

www.sickipedia.org/search?q=Scuba%20Diving

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1 year 9 months ago #302068 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Catholic Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of boys and girls who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot you're in my side

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1 year 8 months ago #302180 by Sharkbite
Sharkbite replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
What do you call it when someone macrames their pubes?

"Bushcraft"

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1 year 7 months ago #302231 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
The Pope was having a shower. Although he’s very strict about
celibacy, he occasionally needed to exercise the Papal
wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.
Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer
taking a picture through the window.
"Hold on a minute!" said the Pope, “You
can’t do that, you’ll destroy the reputation of the
Church!"...
"This is my lottery win", said the photographer,
"I’ll be financially secure for life with these
photos!"
So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the
photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually
settled on a figure of £2,000,000.
The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the
images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he
bumped into his personal housekeeper.
Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera
and said, "That looks like a really expensive digital
SLR camera, how much did it cost you?"
Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, "....two
million pounds..."
"TWO MILLION pounds!" exclaimed the
housekeeper, "They must have seen you
coming!"

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1 year 7 months ago #302233 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
My Building Permit:

Some have asked what I've been doing in retirement.
Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house.

It was going to be 30m tall and 120m wide, with 12 gun turrets at
various heights, and windows all over the place and a loud outside
entertainment sound system.

It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it green with pink trim.

Then I was gonna hire some idiot to stand on top of it and SCREAM as loud as he could three or four times a day.

The Council told me; "Forget it . . . IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!"
So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a "Mosque."

Work starts on Monday. And here is the best part, it's going to be tax exempt!

I love this country. It's the government that scares me.

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1 year 7 months ago #302234 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
English Stiff Upper Lip
On a train from London to Manchester , an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much....
You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.
Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood..
What do you say to that ?"
The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"

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1 year 7 months ago #302235 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Port Douglas, Qld, Australia.



The owner of a golf course in Port Douglas was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical assistance.



He called her into his office and said, "You graduated at the James Cook University and I need some help.



If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?"





The secretary thought for a moment and then replied,





"Everything but my earrings."

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1 year 7 months ago #302236 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep....
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."...
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"

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1 year 7 months ago #302237 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS
WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:


1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA…FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE
KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL
HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL
EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS?
ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO
REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK
MACHINES?

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT
THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS:
THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

(This one took me a minute)

23. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

24. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST
DROWN TOO?

25. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU
STILL BE HUNGRY?

26. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

27. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

28. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF
"ASSTEROIDS"?

29. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

30. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

31. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES
HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

32. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

33. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS
CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?

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1 year 5 months ago #302410 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist twits. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

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1 year 4 months ago #302467 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Statistics just released from The United Nations Board Of Health Team, reveal that: Australian men between 55 and 85 years of age, will, on average, have sex one to two times per week, (and a small number have it a lot more) ....

Whereas Polish men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.

This has come as very upsetting news to both me and most of my mates at the Dive club ... as none of us had any idea that we were Polish.

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1 year 4 months ago #302480 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
An old lady went into a bar in Ibiza and saw a man with his feet propped upon a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The old woman asked the man if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed. The man grinned and said, 'Sure is, little lady. Why don't you come to my apartment and let me prove it to you?' The old woman considered she might never get an offer like this again and was curious to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a £50 note. Blushing, he said, 'Well, thank you, I'm really flattered. Nobody has ever paid me for my 'services' before!' 'Don't be flattered' she replied... 'Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit...

' Women can be so cruel !!

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9 months 4 days ago #303028 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff ... Dad ... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad ... as ye wish. I only came back to tell you that, through my work, I met my new husband, who is very wealthy and to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom house, plus a £1 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club .. (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my husband's yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant!
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!

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8 months 4 weeks ago #303038 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff ... Dad ... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad ... as ye wish. I only came back to tell you that, through my work, I met my new husband, who is very wealthy and to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom house, plus a £1 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club .. (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my husband's yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant!
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!

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8 months 3 weeks ago #303046 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
NZ Tourist


Trevor and Jeanette, are walking down a street in Bondi in Sydney…

Trevor happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye: Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair.

Trevor says to Jeanette, "Jeanette, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune

'"Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie accint."

"No worries," smiles Jeanette, "I'll keep my mouth shut."

They go in and Trevor says, "I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck and..."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from New Zealand, aren't you?"

"Well... yis," says a surprised Trevor, "How the hill dud you know thet?"

The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."

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8 months 3 weeks ago #303052 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
John told his wife, "I've got a problem."

She stopped him right there. "No dear, WE have a problem. We're in this together John.



We married for better or for worse. Therefore, your problem is our problem."



John sighed in relief. "Well, now it's hardly worth mentioning."



But his wife was insistent. "Go ahead John’', tell me. What's wrong?"



John answered, "Somehow, we got your sister pregnant!"

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8 months 2 weeks ago #303059 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Wondering if anyone can give me a little advice...
I have suspected for some time that my wife is cheating on me...the usual signs,
Phone rings and caller hangs up when I answer, she goes out with the "girls" a lot
I try to stay awake for when she comes home but can never stay awake that late..
Anyways last night around midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat... when she got home she got out of somebody's car buttoning up her blouse and took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment crouched behind the boat I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket...
Is that somthing I can weld or do I need to replace the entire bracket?

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8 months 2 weeks ago #303070 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
An old man in hospital wearing an oxygen mask....
A young nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles
black?"Embarrassed, the nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm
only here to wash your upper body and feet."He struggles to
ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?
"Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart
rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her
embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his
testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and
says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely:" are- my - test - results - back?

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8 months 2 weeks ago #303073 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Wedding...

An Aboriginal wedding occurred just outside Alice Springs in Australia .

To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride and groom's
families had a storming row and started wrecking the reception room and
generally kicking the crap out of each other, and the police were called in
to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court

The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings silence
with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in Court!"

The court room goes silent and Jackie, the best man, stands up and say's..

"Judge.... I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain
what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Jackie to take the stand.

Jackie begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in
an indigenous wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the Bride.

The Judge says," OK".

"Well," said Jackie, "after I had finished the first dance, the music kept
going so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music
kept going and I was dancing to the third song...when all of a sudden the
groom leaped over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful
kick right in her crutch."

The Judge instantly responded, "That must have hurt!"

Jackie replies; "HURT!!... He broke three of my fingers!

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