Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?

8 months 6 days ago #303077 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
After a few too many visits to the "Pleasure Parlour"

A chap called Bill notices green lumps on his willy. So off he goes to the doctor.

The doctor explains "You know how wrestlers and rugby union players get cauliflower ears?"

"Yes" says Bill, nodding seriously.

"Well" says the doctor, "You've got Brothel Sprouts."

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8 months 4 days ago #303083 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
I went out to a Fancy Dress Party. I was dressed as a chicken. I met a girl dressed as an egg.

A life long question was answered....

It was the chicken!

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7 months 1 week ago #303168 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
I bought my wife some lingerie in a size 20.
She said "Are you taking the friggin piss with the size?"
I said "No, it's meant to be tight!
Anyway,does anybody need a lodger?

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7 months 1 week ago #303175 by spiro
spiro replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
The Government seek to make shredded cheese illegal.
They want to make Australia grate again!

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7 months 2 days ago #303180 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour
and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.

She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight".

I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!

A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the
shoulder and said, "What she really said was: 666136429.

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6 months 3 weeks ago #303207 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A family of whales is making its way slowly to its winter feeding grounds, when the calf breaks away from his mum, to cruise alongside his dad.

In a little bit, the calf asks his dad THE question....

Son: Dad, where did I come from?

Dad: Well, I guess you're old enough for the truth. You grew from a seed that came out of my penis.

Son: Are you serious, dad?

Dad: Yes, son, that's where you came from.

Son: Gee, thanks dad.

Dad: You're whalecum son!

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6 months 3 weeks ago #303222 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
I called an old school friend and asked what was he doing.

He replied that he is working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment."

I was impressed......

After further questioning I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water, under his wife's supervision.

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5 months 4 days ago #303430 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
An elderly couple were at home watching TV.
Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel
Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel…
You know how to fish!!!!!"

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4 months 2 weeks ago #303449 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Hillary phoned the president's office shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the president, it’s an emergency!”, exclaimed Hillary.
After some cajoling, the president's assistant agreed to wake him up. “So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?”, grumbled Trump.
“A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take his place,” begged Hillary.
“Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary,” replied President Trump.

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4 months 3 days ago #303492 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
The Biscuit Story......

Mr. Monte Carlo was a very fresh biscuit.
He took Miss VoVo for Morning Coffee.
He put his hand on her TimTam and thought that was Nice.
But when he put his Scotch Finger on her Date Slice she grabbed him by his Ginger Nuts and made him SAO.

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3 months 4 weeks ago #303499 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Northern Territory Etiquette



GENERAL RULES

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.

3. It's tacky to take an esky to church

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take the trailer to the funeral home.



DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.



ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.



PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using ones OWN Ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as it detracts from woman's jewellery and alters the taste of finger foods.



DATING (outside the family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."

3.Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.



THEATRE ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.



WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

4.Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.



DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's loaded and the roo's in sight.

2. When approaching a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest tyres doesn't always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to also bring back beer.

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3 months 3 weeks ago - 3 months 3 weeks ago #303506 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
An elderly couple learned to send text messages on their mobile phones.



The wife, a retired college English instructor with emphasis on the Classics, was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired salty Navy chief petty officer of thirty years’ service, was a no-nonsense guy.



One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbuck’s to meet a friend for coffee. While awaiting her friend’s arrival, she exercised her new skill by sending her husband a romantic text message: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."



The husband responded: "I'm takin' a sh!t. Please advise."
Last Edit: 3 months 3 weeks ago by Barjumpa.

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3 months 3 weeks ago - 3 months 3 weeks ago #303507 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the check out counter.
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.
They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.
Again, the cashier said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."
So she went home and brought in her dog.
She then was able to buy the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.
The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.
She said to the little old lady, "That smells like sh!t."
The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."
Don't mess with old people.
Last Edit: 3 months 3 weeks ago by Barjumpa.

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3 months 3 weeks ago #303509 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject,

and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular

cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,




"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"




Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of

cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens

the voice bellowed,




"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"




The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of

the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.


The voice came once more,




"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"




She stopped, looked skyward! and said,




"IS THAT YOU LORD?"




The voice replied,
"NO!!!
THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"

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3 months 2 weeks ago #303515 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
One nun said to other...Mary, remember when we rode our bikes over cobblestones that day?
Sister Mary replied... Yes I had never come that way before

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3 months 1 week ago #303523 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
My wife changed into her bikini at the beach, and stood posing in front of me. "Well," she said, "I've lost a stone. Can you see a difference?"

I picked up a pebble and tossed it in the ocean. "The beach has lost a stone," I said. "Can you see a difference?"

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3 months 6 days ago #303524 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Irish Hunting Trip

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose. They managed to bag 6.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly.

"Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off.

However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't possibly handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived
the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,

"Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied,

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

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3 months 1 day ago #303526 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
The boss of Ryanair, Michael O'Leary, walks into a Dublin bar and orders a pint of Guinness. The Landlord says, "That'll be one €uro please Mr O'Leary." O'Leary replies, "You're a man after me own heart, do you know all the other bars around here charge five €uros for a pint of Guinness?" The Landlord responds, "I have to be honest Mr O'Leary I took a leaf out of your book, slashed the cost of everything and business is booming." O'Leary hands over one €uro with a smile, the Landlord asks, "Will you be wanting a glass with your Guinness sir ?"

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3 months 25 minutes ago #303527 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Bill Shorten was recently asked " do you know the difference between Sunni and Shia?" He replied " I don't know which is which but I know they sung "I got you babe""

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2 months 4 weeks ago #303529 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
My young son came over to me earlier and said:

"Dad, I want to raise some money for one of those long tube thingies that goes in the ground and gets water for poor people."

I thought, "bless him, he means well."

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2 months 4 weeks ago #303530 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
All those number ones that Elvis had, yet it was a number two that killed him!

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2 months 3 weeks ago #303531 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A little tip for you: If you ever start dating a dominatrix, whatever you do, never suggest it's time to hit the sack.

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2 months 3 weeks ago #303532 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Just came in from the pub and my wife has just prepared dinner, I said "that smells
nice, what is it?
She says "Its soup, i have just made it from scratch"
I thought to myself " thats a pity because i loved that fucking dog"

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2 months 3 weeks ago #303544 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
"I had sex with twins yesterday", I said to my mate.
"How did you tell them apart?" he asked.
"Well, Susan has blonde hair, and Roger has a beard."

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2 months 2 weeks ago #303548 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A young Catholic girl goes to confession and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned"
The Priests asks" In what way have you sinned my child"?
"I am pregnant father, and I think it must be the second coming" The girl replies.
The Priests is puzzled by her remark and says " My child, what makes you think that it has anything to do with the second coming"?
The young girl replies " Because I swallowed the first one"

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2 months 2 weeks ago #303551 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Glen Campbell has recently arrived in Heaven. Shortly after being checked in by Peter he is allocated an angel to be his guide, and is led into a beautiful courtyard full of happy people talking, and laughing.

The angel says, "any questions?"

Campbell asks, How long before we get a halo, and wings?

"Fifty years for the halo, and a hundred for the wings".

But that's princess Diana sitting over there. She has a lopsided halo around her neck, and she only died twenty years ago.

"That's not a halo, that's the steering wheel."

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2 months 1 week ago #303552 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Heard the words every father dreads to hear yesterday...

"Dad, meet my boyfriend, Jamal."

Visiting my son in prison was much worse than I imagined.

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2 months 1 week ago #303553 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
I got fed up of my sarcastic wife going on about how much of a scruffy disgusting fat slob I was. So I started going to a gym, got myself in good shape with a tremendous six pack, had my hair done and a manicure. Then one night I stripped off in front of her while she was watching the telly.

"Wow, " she said, "you look fantastic. I can actually see your cock again. I'd almost forgotten how small it was. "

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2 months 1 week ago #303554 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
My next door neighbour has three little brat kids. They have just challenged me to a water fight. So I'm just writing this while the kettle boils ........

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2 months 1 week ago - 2 months 1 week ago #303555 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
An extremely modest man was in the hospital
for a series of tests, the last of which had left
his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the
bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another
and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with
diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to
remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped
out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets and threw
them out of the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the
sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing,
and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled
sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his
feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital
security guard, (barely containing his laughter),
and who had watched the whole incident, walked up
and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'
The drunk, still staring down at the bed
sheets in amazement, replied: 'I think I just beat
the Sh!t out of a ghost.
Last Edit: 2 months 1 week ago by Barjumpa.

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