Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?

9 years 7 months ago #27144 by Adam H
Adam H replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
quote:

Originally posted by ring23

The racist is easy Dave, but how do you define offensive on this site??[:o)]




Any jokes about South Australians... [^-=-^]

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9 years 7 months ago #27145 by Aqualian
Aqualian replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
I've done an 'Art' course, so I'm qualified for this...[8D]

Theres White People.
Theres Black People.
Theres Yellow People.
Theres Red People.
Theres Blue People.
Theres Green People.
Theres Grey People.
and theres Brown People,
...but the ones you gotta watch out for are the Purple People Eaters!

(Don't know if this is funny or not - I sometimes get laughs, but this is what I use to 'extinguish' racism in the workplace or anyone with 'behind closed doors' remarks to me in the belief that I am a Racist too! Haven't thought of a 'Culturalism' version though - maybe I'm a Culturalist?)

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9 years 7 months ago #27146 by 2Dogs
2Dogs replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.
All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

"In Seth Efrica our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice," he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

"Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi.
He turns to the astonished barman and says, "In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

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9 years 7 months ago #27147 by Homer80
Homer80 replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
The following is the winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A & M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was 'Political Correctness'.

The winner wrote:

'Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.'

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9 years 7 months ago #27148 by Homer80
Homer80 replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A man was lying on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms or legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said ' Have you ever had a hug?
The man said 'No',
So she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said 'Have you ever had a kiss?'.
The man said 'No',
So she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman walked over to him, knelt down and whispered in his ear,
Have you ever been F*cked?'
The fellow looked up in amazement and said 'No!!'
The woman smiled and said ...
'You will be when the tide comes in.'

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9 years 7 months ago #27149 by chendo04
chendo04 replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A male egg and a female egg are sitting in a pot of boiling water...the female egg says to the male egg, "I've got a crack"! The male egg replies, "Don't bother telling me about it, i'm not even hard yet"!

Sorry!

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9 years 7 months ago #27150 by Stevo_c
Stevo_c replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

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9 years 7 months ago #27151 by Stevo_c
Stevo_c replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.

The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weighs 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you
said, 'Turn around'.

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9 years 7 months ago #27152 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Arrrh this is gold...


Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling ........... Take Celibacy.

This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's
favourite flower?'

Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered, 'Self Raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Robert's life of celibacy.

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9 years 7 months ago #27153 by Aqualian
Aqualian replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Celibacy: something that Homosexuals don't like being mentioned when they seek justification for same-sex marriages.

...why can't Rednecks have a 'special day' to go out and have some biff, if Gays can have a Mardi Gra day? (EQUALITY !!!)[:stir:]

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9 years 7 months ago #27154 by Stevo_c
Stevo_c replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
ROSES & HANGING BASKETS

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' and out she goes.

The next day the teen ager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.

The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate....

The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets'.

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9 years 7 months ago #27155 by Dave S
Dave S replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
quote:

Originally posted by Aqualian

...why can't Rednecks have a 'special day' to go out and have some biff, if Gays can have a Mardi Gra day? (EQUALITY !!!)[:stir:]



They did !

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9 years 7 months ago #27156 by Stevo_c
Stevo_c replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.


Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual,he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.


While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, John Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.


Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.



'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said,

To which he whirled around and screamed,


'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?

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9 years 7 months ago #27157 by Stevo_c
Stevo_c replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Two chimps and a Blonde

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo.

They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!!

There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to SeaWorld


PS:... With all the Blonde jokes going around, one has to really start to think if it's just a myth or indeed fact ? [:-}][:-}][:stir:]

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9 years 7 months ago #27158 by RisingPhoenix
RisingPhoenix replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about
ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied
she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have
him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard
and the ranch
was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good
job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up
your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on
Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found
the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did
as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly
by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching
her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into
town again, you're fired!"

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9 years 7 months ago #27159 by Stevo_c
Stevo_c replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!' With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............









NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

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9 years 7 months ago #27160 by Norse
Norse replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
An old man was sitting on the curb outside the pub, sobbing helplessly. A cop asked him what was the problem. I'm 75 years old, he cried, and I've got a 25 year old wife at home who's beautiful, randy, and madly in love with me. So what's the problem asked the cop.
I can't remember my address.

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9 years 7 months ago #27161 by Adam H
Adam H replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Not so much a joke, but thought you might enjoy...

www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/animator2

Quite well done.

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9 years 6 months ago #27162 by Stevo_c
Stevo_c replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Wally's Wedding Night

At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one.

All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally.

Again he is ready for more "action."

Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it..... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action."

And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally."

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: ......."You mean I was here already?"





The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have advantages.

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9 years 6 months ago #27163 by The Phantom Wreck Rat
The Phantom Wreck Rat replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, early the following year.

Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing at bankstown because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me this weekend.

The Civil Aviation Authority issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

Photographs below were taken at the scene show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was very lucky.







































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9 years 6 months ago #27164 by leeroy
leeroy replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
very good.[^-=-^]

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9 years 6 months ago #27165 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
If your wife and your lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to the cinema?

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9 years 6 months ago #27166 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Three Victorians go over to Tasmania and one night, get drunk and wake up in jail. They find out that they're to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am a priest and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens; so they figure God must not want this guy to die, and let him go. :D

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am an attorney and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." The switch is thrown and again nothing happens. :D :D

Figuring the law is on this guy's side, they let him go. The last one is strapped in and say's "I'm an electrical engineer, and I'll tell you right now, you'll never electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires." God rest his soul.[?|?]

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9 years 6 months ago #27167 by Stevo_c
Stevo_c replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh*t out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the sh*t out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an ars*hole and a briefcase.'

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9 years 6 months ago #27168 by Stevo_c
Stevo_c replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts grinning from ear to ear. Once he disconnects he shouts to the barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.



The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd around keen to know what they are celebrating.


"Well" he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds".


Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland. Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."


Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "STREWTH" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.


Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar. The bartender says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much does he weigh now?"


The proud father answers: "17 pounds".


The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"


The Queensland father takes a l-o-n-g s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says .... "Had him circumcised!"

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9 years 6 months ago #27169 by kempster1
kempster1 replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are
>> travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and
>> are stopped at a traffic light.
>>
>> Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula
>> jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the
>> wind shield.
>>
>> 'Quick, quick!' shouts Sister Catherine. 'What shall we do?'
>>
>> 'Turn the wind shield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,'
>> says Sister Helen.
>>
>> Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings
>> on and continues hissing at the nuns.
>>
>> 'What shall I do now?' she shouts.
>>
>> 'Switch on the wind shield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the
>> Vatican ,' says Sister Helen.
>>
>> Sister Catherine turns on the wind shield washer.
>> Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and
>> continues hissing at the nuns.
>>
>> 'Now what?' shouts Sister Catherine.
>>
>> 'Show him your cross,' says Sister Helen.
>>
>> 'Now you're talking,' says Sister Catherine.
>>
>> She opens the window and shouts, 'Get the f*@k off the car!'

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9 years 6 months ago #27170 by Stevo_c
Stevo_c replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A woman walks into the Cessnock Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids...


"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL yours?


"Yeah they are all mine," the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, "Sit down Terry." All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Terry."
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one he is Terry, also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?"
Their Mother replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell "Terry" and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch


"I call them by their last names!"

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9 years 6 months ago #27171 by Adam H
Adam H replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?

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9 years 6 months ago #27172 by JDW
JDW replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A cocky US Department of Agriculture inspector drove up in a fancy white truck and told the farmer "I need to inspect your farm."

The farmer reluctantly but confidently said, "OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder." The inspector said, "Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on any agricultural land. No questions asked, and no questions answered. Have I made myself clear?" The farmer nodded politely and went about his chores.

Some half an hour later, the farmer heard loud screams for help and looked up to see the inspector running for the fence pursued by his prize bull, which was gaining with every step. The farmer immediately put down his feed buckets, ran to the fence and shouted out, "Your card! Your card! Show him your card!"

JD

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9 years 6 months ago #27173 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married... (If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor.)

The Story... As Told by the Wife......

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed
another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... ) Three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos--MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT.'

He didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with
that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said,'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh, ****.'Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

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