Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?

2 months 5 days ago #303621 by jdz
jdz replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
doctor in Ireland wants to get off work and go hunting, so he approaches his assistant.

"Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic," he says. "I want you to take care of the clinic and all me patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks, "So, Seamus, how was your day?"

Seamus tells him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol."

"Bravo, Seamus, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning, and I gave him Maalox, sir," says Seamus.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this. And what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman bursts into the room. Quick as a wink she undresses herself, tearing off every stitch of clothing including her bra and her panties, and lies down on the table. She spreads her legs and shouts, "Help me, I beg you! It's been five years since I've seen a man!"

"Thunderin' Lord Jesus, Seamus, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

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2 months 5 days ago #303622 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
'Father', he confessed, 'It has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
The sinner replied, 'A new woman in the neighbourhood.'
'Very well,' sighed the priest, 'Go and say ten Hail Mary's.'

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's shaved and that is just a reflection from her shoes'.

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2 months 3 days ago #303624 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out if he will ever be lucky in love.
The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog, “I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?”
The frog asks for the good news first.
The fortune teller says, “You are going to meet the most *beautiful* girl who is going to be very interested in you and will want to know all about you.”
“Great,” says the frog. “What’s the bad news?”
“....you’re going to meet her in a biology lecture....”

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2 months 2 days ago #303625 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
As I sat at the traffic lights, a policeman drove up beside me and said, "Step out please, sir".
I said, "Is there a problem, officer?".
He said, "I have reason to believe you're drunk, sir".
I said, "Drunk officer? !I'm just an honest bloke trying to get home after a night out".
He said, "Well sir, you're not going to get very far in that wheely bin".

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2 months 2 days ago #303627 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
"Sorry" seems to be the hardest word to say.

Unless you're Chinese, then it's "squirrel"....

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1 month 4 weeks ago #303633 by jdz
jdz replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assured her that he could help.

She looked on amazed as he removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball and rubbed them against the car door.
Amazingly, it opened.

"That's so clever," the woman gasped. “How did you do it?"
”Easy," replied the soldier. "These are my khakis"

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1 month 3 weeks ago #303641 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
At dawn the telephone rings,
"Hello, Senor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Bob."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Bob .."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Senor Bob."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Bob .."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE...........
LONG SILENCE.........
VERY LONG SILENCE............
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."

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1 month 3 weeks ago #303648 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A golden oldie that's been changed to suit the current climate....

As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport , President Trump strides to a warm
and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London , where they change
to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on
towards the Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons;
all is going well.

Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever
heard in the British Empire . The smell is so atrocious that both the passengers in the
carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but,
the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen politely turns to President Trump:
"Mr President, please, accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Trump, always trying to be "Presidential," responded:
"Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it,
I thought it was one of the horses."

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1 month 2 weeks ago #303652 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money. He calls home.

'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'
So his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'
'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad', the boy says, 'I have some grim news.

Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal.

Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''
The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer with Slater and Gordon lawyers.

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1 month 2 weeks ago #303653 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Prince Harry is to marry his mixed-race girlfriend Meghan Markle. I think that's terrible.

All those centuries of selective breeding, only to go off and mate with someone of inferior genetic make-up.

Still, I suppose it's her business if she wants to marry a ginger.

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1 month 2 weeks ago #303654 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
My new girlfriend reckons I'm no good in bed, but I don't see how she can make a judgement like that in less than a minute.

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1 month 2 weeks ago #303655 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband, "I have something to confess, darling. I used to be a hooker."
He says, "That's alright, sweetheart. Your past is your past but, I must admit, I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it."
She replies, "Well, my name was Max and I played for “Manly."

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1 month 2 weeks ago #303657 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
My mate Dave reckon's he can tighten a tire lug nut just by sitting on it.

Personally I think he torque's through his ars@..!

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1 month 2 weeks ago #303659 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.”

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1 month 1 week ago #303664 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the Door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree

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1 month 1 week ago #303671 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A survey was done in the Middle East to see which cities still watch The Flintstones.

Baghdad don’t but Abu Dhabi do.

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1 month 1 week ago #303672 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Taking inspiration from 'I'm a celebrity' Get me out of here .
I ate a cows Nipple, a pigs eyeball and a sheeps penis last night.

Or a sausage roll with sauce as it's better known.

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1 month 6 days ago #303675 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc. which protocol decrees), the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”



Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I played cricket for England, graduated with honours from Sandhurst, won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.



I have researched the history of . . . "...... At that point, the colonel interrupted.



"Yes, yes, never mind all that, Smithers, he can find all that in your file."



"Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fu@k off."

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4 weeks 1 day ago #303685 by Webguy
Webguy replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.”

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4 weeks 5 hours ago #303686 by AB
AB replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
From a truly evil person in America, very long, but worth the read!

I was sitting at my desk at home when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I dialled the number from memory, and a man answered, saying 'Hello.'
I politely said:
‘Could I speak with Robyn please?'
Suddenly his angry voice yelled in my ear:
“Get the right f***ing number!”
And the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I looked up Robyn's number, I realised I’d accidentally transposed the last two digits.
I spoke with Robyn but, after hanging up, I decided to call the 'wrong number’ again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled:
'You're an asshole!' And I hung up.
I wrote down his number, with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was having a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!'
It always cheered me up.
When ‘Caller ID’ was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling might have to stop.
However, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.
Well, obviously he didn’t have Call-Display, so I quickly called him back and said, ‘that's because you're an asshole!' and I hung up.
Then one day I was at Home Depot, waiting to pull into a parking spot, when some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had been patiently waiting for.
I tooted the horn and called out that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot just gave me the finger and went into the store.
I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (by now I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said, 'Yes, it is.'
I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Newmarket. It's a yellow ranch style house, and the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?'
He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said, 'Listen, Don, may I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?'
I said, 'you're an asshole!' Then I hung up ... and I added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, whenever I needed to let of steam, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an even better idea.
I called asshole #1.
He said, 'Hello'
I said, 'You're an asshole!'
But this time I didn't hang up.
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah!'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me.'
I said, 'Make me.'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? And where do you live?'
I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd, in Newmarket. It’s a yellow ranch style home, and there’s a black BMW Beamer parked in front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you’d better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole.' And I hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, asshole,'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are....'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass.'
I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police from a pay-phone at the corner of my road, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oak Tree Blvd, in Newmarket, to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 3 News to say there was a gang war going on along Oak Tree Blvd in Newmarket.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Newmarket. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other, in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter, and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.

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