Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?

1 week 3 minutes ago #303621 by jdz
jdz replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
doctor in Ireland wants to get off work and go hunting, so he approaches his assistant.

"Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic," he says. "I want you to take care of the clinic and all me patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks, "So, Seamus, how was your day?"

Seamus tells him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol."

"Bravo, Seamus, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning, and I gave him Maalox, sir," says Seamus.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this. And what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman bursts into the room. Quick as a wink she undresses herself, tearing off every stitch of clothing including her bra and her panties, and lies down on the table. She spreads her legs and shouts, "Help me, I beg you! It's been five years since I've seen a man!"

"Thunderin' Lord Jesus, Seamus, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

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6 days 22 hours ago #303622 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
'Father', he confessed, 'It has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
The sinner replied, 'A new woman in the neighbourhood.'
'Very well,' sighed the priest, 'Go and say ten Hail Mary's.'

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's shaved and that is just a reflection from her shoes'.

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5 days 4 hours ago #303624 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out if he will ever be lucky in love.
The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog, “I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?”
The frog asks for the good news first.
The fortune teller says, “You are going to meet the most *beautiful* girl who is going to be very interested in you and will want to know all about you.”
“Great,” says the frog. “What’s the bad news?”
“....you’re going to meet her in a biology lecture....”

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4 days 4 hours ago #303625 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
As I sat at the traffic lights, a policeman drove up beside me and said, "Step out please, sir".
I said, "Is there a problem, officer?".
He said, "I have reason to believe you're drunk, sir".
I said, "Drunk officer? !I'm just an honest bloke trying to get home after a night out".
He said, "Well sir, you're not going to get very far in that wheely bin".

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3 days 20 hours ago #303627 by Barjumpa
Barjumpa replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
"Sorry" seems to be the hardest word to say.

Unless you're Chinese, then it's "squirrel"....

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13 hours 38 minutes ago #303633 by jdz
jdz replied the topic: Barjumpa's Rainy friday funnies.... who has some?
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assured her that he could help.

She looked on amazed as he removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball and rubbed them against the car door.
Amazingly, it opened.

"That's so clever," the woman gasped. “How did you do it?"
”Easy," replied the soldier. "These are my khakis"

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